Light Unlocked

My given name means "Light". My mothers name means "Grace". My mom says she feels like her purpose in life is to bring light into the world and handle what happens with grace.

My name means light, yet all I have ever felt is heavy. I can't remember not being overweight. Even the day I left the Navy, able to do 50 pushups and at my lowest adult weight, my discharge papers said "shorter than average height, larger than average build"  I wanted to be light, but I was dark and clouded. Heavy in every sense of the word.

Because I went to a Quaker Boarding school The term "mind the light" is ingrained in my being. Quakers sit in silence for worship until moved by the spirit to speak, they call it the "light". When someone is grieving or stuck in struggle,  we say "holding you in the light" I take it to mean, we surround you with the bright energy that holds everything and everyone together. Some people call it God. 

I think I am on a quest for light. To be lighthearted, by finding the funny morsel. To recognize the spark of ideas that light up the mind. Oh and a face that lights up with excitement. I want To be a flame of love that makes the room brighter. But the physical weight that I carry, has so often dimmed these lights for me. Even when I lose the weight and stand lighter I feel like I can't move. There is a disconnect between this meat suit and the driver.

 

I have navigated these past few months by working on my relationship with my body. It's like we didn't even know each other. This has taken me down some unexpected paths. For instance, I have discovered my ability to breathe. Some people know how to breathe. I know how to make curry, pick locks, replace the screen on my cell phone. I did NOT know how to breathe.

I love breathing. breathing is the best! I can visualize my breath moving throughout my body. I breathe in to whatever feels stuck, heavy or dark. 

In the past I saw dozens of doctors, chiropractors, physical therapists and specialists to diagnose and heal my body. And the one thing I learned is that the answers Are not "out there". The answers are inside of me. All of them.

But how do I get to them? How do I unlock the answers when I don't even know how to listen to or drive my body and I Just like yesterday learned how to breathe?

 

I saw massage therapists to help me feel my body, A life changing therapist to help me think,  an aromatherapist to help me smell, a hypnotist to help me change, mindfulness teachers and yoga instructors to help me be present and move. I sought out nutritionists to help me eat. I saw a Tantric sex therapist who taught me how to talk with my Hoo Ha. A chakra tuner and witch because, who the hell knows whats going on anyway?  I even saw a spiritual guru who performed a metaphorical "surgery" on me with a magic wand and healing dust, guided by the angels who talk to her, in her head.....and....I haven't had pain in the spot she performed that "surgery" on since...take that as you will. 

But maybe the boldest thing I have done to heal my relationship with my body is take sexy naked ass pictures.

                                                           

How You Doin?

You may be thinking. Wait...you talk to your Hoo Ha?...Yes yes I do, I tuck her in every night and tell her she is loved and safe, we have developed a trust that wasn't there before and she has become my deepest friend. Because I grew up around reiki practitioners and had psychic readings in the back seat of my moms car, I have lots of practice giving it all over. I let go of my doubts and inhibitions, to live in their world. I think when I was younger I would stay in my head more, poking holes in ideas that weren't comfortable. Like we had a friend names Moose and she gave me a rock on a string for my 10th birthday "because it had monkey energy" and I thought "wow, she is a wackadoo"  But Not now, now I'm open. My way wasn't working, I am OPEN to all the energies. 

So a few weeks ago when I was walking the dog I passed by a little shop door in my tiny downtown. I live in Southeast Georgia, Not sure if it is the bible belt or not, but the bakery has scriptures on their cupcakes and we pray before sporting events.

   

Color me surprised when I read the sign on the door. Boudoir Photography. What?! right here? right in my little downtown. I had thoughts and judgements, like "nahh I'm good yo"...and then I read the name "Light Unlocked: Boudoir, Intimate Portraits and Soul-Shifting Photography ... Photographer Jillisa Hope"

And my Hoo Ha talked to me. " I think we are supposed to do this" she said. 

 

Even having lost 50 pounds this year and I am STILL 115 pounds overweight. I don't think I'm like the prime candidate for boudoir pics. Also I don't have a standard boyfriend... so like who would I even show them to? 

I wrote Jillisa a note on her website. I have NO idea what it said, but it was good enough to get a response back and set up an appointment. Her studio  had just closed so we decided to take the photos in my home. Normally she provides hair and makeup, but I wanted this to be just about who I am , right now, no make-up, just me in the place that I live. 

Unsure really what I would get out of it, I figured they would just be some really excellent "Before" pictures. And then we had a zoom meeting and I was like Ohhhh, maybe I am just supposed to meet Jillisa, we bonded instantly, I just love my new friend and all her sweet adorableness. She seems to vibrate at a higher level of consciousness and is the kind of person I want to surround myself with. More than that, we have the same shoe size and I was able to gift her a pair of duplicate artsy hippy clown shoes that I had laying around and now we are Feet Twins! 

Jillisa arrived at my house on a Saturday afternoon. In preparation I had made my bed. That is it. I felt so comfortable from the moment she walked in the door, I didn't even bother to close my robe. Hi there.

In My Studio

You should know I am not a naked person. I don't even leave the house in shorts. If you happen to see me naked it is because you delivered my babies, walked in on my shower or x-rayed me too well at the airport. I have no idea what came over me, other than comfort and Joy.

Jillisa talked to me the way I want to talk to people, you will probably hear me saying things like "Don't Move, You Are Perfection" next time I see you!  She also gives clear instruction, bend your leg this way, arch your back that way. For someone who isn't in touch with their body, being helped with how to move what where was very helpful. It woke something up.

We had so much fun, scurrying around my house picking up random things, there was like a movie montage of sultry outfits and hats. I have never felt more beautiful.  ME.... I felt beautiful. Not because some guy was telling me I was beautiful. Not because I put myself down and someone was trying to build me up. I simply felt beautiful. Soul-shifting photography. I just felt connected with myself. Light. Unlocked.

                                                      

I was hesitant to share and I have kept many private, because the internet is forever. Also I have teenagers and their mom's name is ED and she literally wears combat boots, life is tough enough for them without "Dude I saw your fat mom naked on the internet" 

However I believe in representation. Now more than ever. And this is Important.

We need to see people loving themselves in all stages of life. Not just before and after pictures, but right Now pictures. 

I have drawn the conclusion : The answer isn't when you were younger, when you get a tan, when you reach your goal weight or lose a few pounds. It isn't even when you feel good. It isn't when you make the money or get the surgery. The Answer is radically accepting and rejoicing the now. It is not easy, until it suddenly is. 

Practice the art of celebrating who you are right now. Right this minute. Your body, is perfect because you are perfect, because you are here, because you exist .... and for no other reason. 

This knowledge is the light I have been seeking. 

Photography By Jillisa Hope ©2020

Light Unlocked

https://www.lightunlocked.com/

Boudoir : Intimate Portraits : Soul-Shifting Photography