Why Hypochondriacs Make The Best Friends

"What's Wrong?" that is how you answer the phone if I call. Maybe I poured straight bleach on dog pee and I'm succumbing to the toxic fumes. Maybe new lipgloss caused mock anaphylaxis. Maybe I'm crying "I swallowed a bee"? or maybe I just saw a bee and swallowed a raisin? I don't know, but it's exhausting to know me if I have your phone number.

I am a hypochondriac so I never feel good....or OMG I am not a hypochondriac and I don't feel good because something is really wrong?

Either way, it is an element I have hated about myself. I hate how my neurosis hijacks the day. I hate feeling like a failure every time I let a panic attack in the door.  That hate is a stupid heavy boulder. Not only do I suffer the actual episode of a freak out, but then I barrage myself for having it. The weight of that hate is almost as taxing.  It's total BS. Why can't I just freak out and then move on without hating myself? And THEN hating myself for hating myself.  What moron said I have to spend a minute feeling bad about it?

In efforts to stop beating myself up for the admittedly annoying trait of hypochondriasis, I started thinking about the good things about being one. The more I thought, the longer the list grew. While I wouldn't wish this disorder upon my mortal enemy, I began to feel sorry for people who don't have a hypochondriac in their lives. Hypochondriacs make the best friends.

Hypochondriacs make the best friends because they don't give a shit about you.  Yeah, I said it. They don't care about you.

Oh they love you all right, more than most in fact. Because they are hypersensitive beings, the level with which a hypochondriac loves is surely greater than average. When I say they don't care. What I mean is they are exhausted from caring about their own selves. They don't care to judge you, to mock or reform you. They don't care what you have done, or do or think or say. They don't care what you look like, how you pray, how much money you make, who you marry. A hypochondriac doesn't care how smart you are, or how old you are, if you just got out of prison, if you made mistakes or crafted miracles. Because a hypochondriac only cares about staying alive. Right now they think they are dying so your messy house or terrible haircut, don't mean a thing.

A few days ago, I changed the batteries in my remote control, they were old and leaking battery acid, hours later I ate some chips and licked my fingers, I seriously thought I electrocuted myself. I know that is not how science works, but that is how my brain works.  A person whose brain thinks licked batteries create internal lightning ...will not judge you for nothing.

Hypochondriacs are the most cost effective friends.  Most hypochondriacs live with depression. The great thing about depressed people is they are easy to impress.  Everyone knows they make the best dates. They don't want to go out. They don't want to do anything. They are probably already in bed. They don't need to be taken to dinner, just grab some take-out on your way over. They will never demand more than Netflix and chill. If you are on a tight budget you definitely need a depressed hypochondriac friend.

Hypochondriacs have the best stories. The best. Like they don't just drop things, they have alien hand syndrome.  They have Fugue states, they are fascinating. Your "normal " friends may complain about a head cold...but a hypochondriac may have you believe they caught malaria from hugging vagrants under a damp bridge. Or something.

Hypochondriacs make great friends because they stay in touch. They always need you to drive them to the hospital, or come over to check their pulse. You have to come over and check if their throat is closing, because it really feels like it's closing. They call all the time just to hear your voice and they may have accidentally poisoned themselves and need a second opinion. You may actually see them more than your regular friends.

Hypochondriacs give you the opportunity to be helpful. They give you the opportunity for mitzvahs and good deeds. It's like charity work with the added bonus of friendship and free food.

Hypochondriacs will always give you free food. They will share the food off their plate, to make sure it's not poisoned. ( But jeezus not off the same fork or a bite that’s all ready been bitten)  They will give you all their leftovers because they won't eat it after day two, what with all the invisible bacteria mating with the oxygen molecules and salmonella and listeria and what-have-you.

Hypochondriacs are the best in restaurants. They know the nutritional content of every food and can tell you what to eat based on whatever symptoms you may be having, because they are anemic and lacking vitamins... you are too.

They won’t let the dirty lemon garnish touch the interior of your drink. They shield you from the contaminated snack mix at the bar.

Hypochondriacs keep your secrets. You can tell them anything. They are vaults, because they are so worried about themselves, they don't ever remember that thing you told them about that guy that one time.

Hypochondriacs are handy to have around, because they can diagnose any problem you may be having. I have diagnosed ringworm over the phone. We save you time and energy because we have already googled plantar fasciitis  and bone spurs, we know it is not foot cancer. Unless of course we have it ourselves, then it is probably foot cancer.

Shy? Socially awkward? Afraid to talk in crowds? No worries, hypochondriacs will carry the conversation. I can talk nonstop about myself and my ailments longer than a senate filibuster to block a vote. You don't have to do anything but nod, and maybe hug me, and check to see if my throat is closing.

Hypochondriacs make great lovers.*

Hypochondriacs have all the bandaids you could ever need.  We have the Neosporin in our purse. We are equipped with duct tape, because you never know what might happen.

Hypochondriacs can see the future! Not the real one, but the potential one, fantastic risk assessors a good hypochondriac can sense when fire exits are blocked. They see potential drug interactions and will not let you in the sun if you are on certain antibiotics.

They know CPR.

Sure having a hypochondriac friend sounds exhausting. But if you can look past their neurotic disposition you will see a loyal, loving, beautiful friend. A friend that accepts you as you are, without judgement. A friend that will provide both the tragic drama and comic relief necessary for an interesting day.

I have drawn the conclusions: If you learn their simple rules of constant overcomplication,  you can be happy with your hypochondriac friend forever. Go Get you one. Get you one now!

The best place to find  a good hypochondriac friend is in the first-aid and over the counter drug  section of the supermarket, you may also snag one self-soothing by the pastry case.

Or ask your doctor to recommend one that is right for you.

With so many benefits to the hypochondriac friend...I don't really know how I could have hated myself for one second. I'm a goddamn treasure.

*These statements have not been verified by the FDA and are the sole assumption of the author.