On Shame

 

I have so many blessings in my life and one of them is the opportunity to mentor a young person. We have the best conversations and I swear I get more out of it than they do. In fact, I often feel like I am mentoring my own self, thru the advice I give. The conversations are often things that I need to hear, and they soothe my troubled heart in ways I am not able to do on my own. I think about this alot. How  easy it is to be harsh to myself and compassionate to them. 

We are going thru a difficulty. I say we because 1) aren’t we all! Lol! And 2) I’m so invested that their pain feels like my own pain. 

Today’s difficulty is a sense of shame. They are struggling with having “ failed “ at something. As I was writing , I realized  it helped me feel better, and I thought it might help you to. If you are feeling any sort of shame or embarrassment.  This is paraphrased excerpt from our ongoing conversation. I have taken out identifying specifics for their privacy. 

ON SHAME :

I know you feel ashamed , I feel this too in my life about several things that I Kick myself for . If I told you about them you would be like “no ma, it’s not your fault”, or “you tried your best” it would actually hurt you to hear me talk bad about myself! 

It is a very human thing to feel shame and it’s a very evolved trait to be able to take responsibility and say “hey I think I had something to do with where I’m at and my own disappointment “ most people squash that feeling down, they aren’t brave enough to look at it or voice it or visit with their shame. Even if they sense it they may use it like a defense mechanism.  It may make them mean to people or rude or cold or nervous, they may try to soothe their feelings with drugs or alcohol, acting out, sabotaging progress, they may use violence or anger …. There is a limitless list of ways that people deal with having uncomfortable emotions! ( when I remind myself of this whenever I see someone acting “poorly” they are in most cases trying to hide or escape their own pain. It makes me feel love for them instead or anger. )

   So the fact that we can both tell each other , “I have a lot of shame about this” is really a beautiful thing. really ! Truly! I’m proud of us… 

    But I need you to hear this.  It is not helpful. It is not helpful to have shame without having a plan. 

A plan is one of the ways you can relieve the pain of shame. And sticking to the plan actually transforms the pain into a sense of pride.

This is why I keep asking you , what is your plan. 

If you don’t have one , let’s make one. A plan would be a  schedule.

I sent you a quick one from. Chat gpt , but you may be able to work on this more yourself . 

A plan also includes the people around you. Include your friends and family . 

Tell them , “I have a goal “

(We seldom reach our goals on our own! ) 

tell them you need help to stay focused and on track, can they help your, quiz you, take part in your success.  I know that seems like you are asking them for something and that’s uncomfortable. but the truth is, this sort of communication is a Gift to them , and if they are part of you succeeding than they feel the same pride! Also as they help you , they are learning things as well, maybe things they never knew, maybe things that will trigger their own interests , maybe thru helping you they realize they are interested in it and want to become doctors!! And you could have influenced them in a career path that ends up saving lives! It’s all very beautiful.

So tell me where you are on this plan. 

Do not let your mind drift back to thinking “oh I should have already succeeded, , I should have done this or done that”  your mind will want to go there and be dark and linger in shame, it will try to take you there. When you hear yourself doing this , close your eyes , say to your shame “thank you for pointing this out, you have done a good job helping me see a place where I can improve , but it is not helpful to me that you keep interrupting my progress, let’s instead put our energy to our plan , to the things that feel good”  

Acknowledge the shame! Say hi to it, but move on from the thought when you open your eyes! 

I’m going to do this too with my shame. You are not alone in this.

I have drawn the conclusion: The uncomfortable emotions like shame and fear and embarrassment  can help lift our consciousness and confidence. We put the label on them as being “bad emotions” and we try to avoid having them. We think we are failures for even having “bad” emotions. It is drilled into us to “have no regrets” and to “always do your best” and to “win,win,win” when we fall short we are not really taught how to handle that .  Shame and regret are powerful, but they are not bad. not a single emotion on the planet is bad. How we handle the complicated emotions is what really impacts our lives.  What would happen if we shift from the idea of welcoming only certain emotions , and instead cultivate the value of them all?