The Real Truth About Panic Attacks

The Real Truth about Panic Attacks, It's Not Like Forgetting Your Umbrella...Not At ALL.

A few days ago I read a post about Panic Attacks. It claimed to explain what panic attacks are like to people who don't get them. You can read it here.  The article describes having a panic attack as getting stuck in the rain without an umbrella and everyone else has an umbrella except you and the rain keeps coming harder and harder.  It seems like a sad and terrible thing.

But that totally is not what a panic attack feels like to me. So I wanted to set the record straight...Cause I don't want anyone thinking that this thing I have sometimes, that makes me so weird and sweaty is anything at all like what is described in that blog.

For starters. I don't feel like I am getting wet in the rain. I don't feel umbrellaless. I feel like I am dying. I don't just FEEL like I am dying...I am DYING. I am dying a slow, conscious, painful, terrifying, death.  It can happen anywhere. On sunny days, cold grey mornings, or in the middle of the night. It can happen when I am completely alone, or surrounded by a theater/busload/crowd full of people. It can happen during stressful moments, or just diddling around. It can happen when I am deeply depressed...and it can sneak up when I am gleefully happy.

Sometimes there is a trigger.  For me those are ant bites, bites in general, spices, poisons , certain breads and fishes, germs, bridges, having to drive, sitting at red lights, new shampoos, borax, bad eggs, other peoples stomach viruses, stories of death, sea pigs*, the taste of soap, medicines and being trapped or tricked in any way whatsoever.  Those are known triggers...but new exciting ones form all of the time. Like drug resistant bacteria.

It works like this... take driving over a bridge for instance..I am driving along, all of a sudden, I feel a tightness in my chest. I am driving on this road and there are cars zooming past and I can't stop driving, cause there is no where to go but straight. I feel light headed, My throat is closing, I try to drive straight, my hands start to sweat, I can not catch my breath, I am telling myself to calm down, nothing is wrong,, but I think maybe I have been bit by something, maybe this is anaphylactic shock, My chest starts to hurt, I feel shooting pains down my neck, I am definitely having a heart attack..I tell myself I am not, "It's just a panic attack" I tell myself ...but it is not. THIS TIME it's different, my heart is racing, impossibly fast, I try to take deep breaths, My fingers are going numb. I try to keep a grip of the steering wheel, I see that I am halfway over the bridge, I pray that I can stay alive to get to the other side. I will my eyes open.  I am bartering with God. My heart is beating so fast I can't control it..calm down, calm down, I yell at myself, but its is like adrenalin has been shot right in my heart.  Breathing erratically, my eyes are going dark,getting tunnel vision, I cant feel my hands, my hands are numb, my feet are numb, the numbness is closing in on me, I can not catch my breath, I start crying, I don't want to die, I don't want to die. I can't breath....Oh, oh....whew...Ok, I made it to the other side of the bridge. Huh...that was weird..I guess I'm ok.  Shit now I have to go back.

It is not the bridge itself, I am not afraid of concrete, or even water, I am not afraid of anything collapsing, I'm not worried what people may think, I am not worried about being misunderstood..All I am worried about is not dying the death that seems imminent.

The feeling of having a panic attack is so intense and real, but no one can see it. I am literally swatting invisible bees.   It is a feeling I would do anything to avoid having.. and sometimes I do. Sometimes I avoid as much as I can, I self medicate, I remain in my small comfort zone....But as we know that is NOT where the magic happens.

SO I march forward. I drive the bridge, I fly the plane, I do the thing I am afraid of. Not every day... not even every time I should...But more often then not, I am combating some invisible demon with more guts then a 1,000 armies.  I want people to know that about people with anxiety.....They are warriors. Even tho its not real it's real. It is in fact just as real as something real, except it isn't really real. ( You have to be extra smart to understand that)

The blog about the umbrellas insinuates that a hug makes everything better for someone with a panic attack.  And that is true! If it is a hug from an ER Doctor with an epi-pen and a stethoscope and a snake bite kit and the paddles that revive you from a heart attack.

The truth is, there is NO analogy for what it is like to have a panic attack, you can't compare it to anything except the brink of certain death that it is. Maybe standing on the ledge looking into the horror until suddenly and inexplicably the ledge goes away, the universe, your mind and your body have played tricks on you...there is no analogy for that.

I have drawn the conclusion that the only thing that makes it better is talking about it. Living it and going thru the fire. So if you know someone who has panic attacks and you don't get it. Count your blessings that you can't relate....And if you need to say something..."Calm Down" (doesn't work) Personally I like to hear something along the lines of " Hey whatever happens we will get thru this"..then I like to tell my worst fears like "What if I throw up all over you and pass out and ruin your party,wedding, bar mitzvah, special day?"  then you say something like " That would be hilarious"

If you know someone who gets panic attacks, and still gets out of bed each morning facing their fears, you know a giant, a legend...you know someone who can unfold your pain in their mind, empathize on a level so intense it could be considered a superpower.  Don't feel sorry for them, don't be afraid to take them canoeing or out of their comfort zone.  Just honor the anxious one the way you would treat a fragile wizard.  In fact Don't even call it a panic attack... It is a surge of sensitivity.  Also maybe rub their feet, they have had a hard day.....Oh and a trophy wouldn't hurt.

*sea pigs, I made them up in a nightmare...they are bigger then whales and absolutely terrifying. Despite how I talk about sea pigs and other sundry fears,  I have come pretty far with my sensitivity surges, read more about my adventures with anxiety here or a more recent update here.