PRODUCT REVIEW: PURIFYING BLACK PEEL-OFF MASK

You know you watch too much porn when you are gun shy about describing facials. And you know you are a woke citizen in a racially charged America when you are hyperaware that the facial mask you are about to discuss is black. You know you were raised by a psychologist when you are cognizant that the mask you wear is symbolic of your deeper self and the need to be cleansed comes from the sense of shame harbored in your subconscious.

Nevertheless, I feel it is monumentally important to break thru these barriers and offer my experience with the Deep Cleansing Black Purifying Peel-off Mask by Dr. Shills. If it helps just one person, it will all be worth it.

Christmas Eve 2016. I don't know what you were doing, but while my kids were snug in their beds at their dads house, I was out being Jewish and single at my friend Shmu-Shmu's house ( not her real name ). There were 9 of us sitting around a fire talking about when its time to put my dog down and other uplifting stuff.  The Jew in me likes to make everyone uncomfortable on Christmas. I was about to leave when I remembered I had two tubes of Purifying Face Mask in my purse.

You may be wondering why I carry this stuff around in my purse , and I will tell you it is because I am a something for which there is no concise word. (see here and here ) I know that If I am left alone with this face mask, I will end up in the hospital. I will put it on alone in my house, notice a tingling sensation and immediately think I have been poisoned by something on the internet. I will read the ingredients, cross-reference them with accidental overdose deaths and drive myself to the ER. So I have been carrying them around waiting for someone to do them with me. 

You know it's not easy to get people to do face masks with you. It is however, easy to offend people by insinuating they need a pore clarifying facial right this minute, seriously right now at this table, in this restaurant, now! So I was pleasantly surprised when everyone agreed to try it.

I purchased this particular face mask after seeing a few still close-up photos of all the gunk pulled out of the pores. And then watching a video tutorial in which a woman accidentally pulled out all her eyebrows with it. It's horrific, but I think thats what you want in a pore cleanser. I am so deeply lovingly weird about skin and always have been.( proof here)  I don't think there is anything more intriguing than a Biore Strip. I would rather pick at someone else's skin than do any fun thing at all. It is my most favorite hobby, I list it on every dating profile ( maybe why I'm single ?) But hey if there was a bar where you could go to pick "at" people instead of pick "up" people, I would be there every night till close. Actually this is a really good idea, if anyone wants to invest, I will draw up a logo. " Pop-A-Johns" ? ehh? Pop-a-johns pizza face? ehhhh?

So, We all pile in the bathroom and take turns washing and thoroughly drying our faces. I put mine on first because I am Brave AF. I then proceed to give everyone facials (hee-hee) I gently and carefully apply the mask to everyones face. It is a thick gooey tar like mixture similar to honey mixed with molasses only stickier. It coats my fingers like it wants me to remember it. 

I love all my friends ( you can see why ) But My friend ShamWow ( not his real name ) has the best face. Lots to pick at, rogue hairs, big beautiful pores. I dream about him passing out so that I can squeeze his blackheads without him flinching like a little girl. There is sadly not a lot of real estate on ShamWows face, most of it is taken up by beard, making his head a little like unbuildable marshland. I could only put the facial mask on his nose and cheeks and a little above his eyebrows. To mine, and everyones pure delight, when covered in black face mask ShamWow is Batman. If I were Shills black purifying peel-off face mask, I would market it to bearded men as " Be Batman". Who doesn't want to be Batman!? ...except probably young batman.

Anyway. We sit. The package says 20-30 minutes but it took about 45 for mine to dry completely. About halfway into that I start to feel claustrophobic. I tell Shmu-Shmu that I'm about to freak out. I want this facemask off me. I feel like I'm being attacked by a sucky squid. This thing on my face is ughhh I want it off.  Shmu-Shmu's face is stuck frozen. She can barely talk, the mask is so tight she cracks her mouth, looks directly into my eyes and without any facial expression at all she says "You do not freak out, I swear if you freak out ED I'll slap you so hard your facemask will break off" or something like that. That is why I like Shmu- Shmu, I'm like "ahhhh sucky squid face pulsating creepiness arghh" and she is like "No ED I will slap you". Sometimes that is all you need.

Finally it is time. I am expecting great things. I am expecting thick worms of puss attached to a sticky black blanket.  I am expecting faces smooth as polished marble countertops and then I hear screaming.

The screaming is coming from in front of the bathroom mirror where ShamWows adult daughter is attempting to peel it from her neck. She is breathing deep yogic breaths attempting to free herself from the facemask. I can't say I am not scared as I gently roll the edges of the mask and pull it away from my skin. 

The bathroom screaming intensifies as the nose area is being peeled off. I wonder "what have I done to my friends" Everyone is in agony, peeling, moaning, cursing. I am peeling away. They watch me in disbelief as I don't even wince. "How is this not hurting you?" they ask. And believe me it hurts, if my face felt like this for no reason I would have called an ambulance, but for some reason, knowing why it hurts helps. Sometimes pain doesn't hurt if you know why it's there. Like if you are getting spanked or tattooed.

I peel off ShamWows face mask, I peel off my own, I survey under flashlight. I compare the remnants, studying like a botanist in the field. I am underwhelmed. Yes there is a little bit of something. But not the fireworks I was expecting.

Is this the greatest face mask ever? 
Well it hurts, it made a grown man cry. It works a little but isn't pulling spaghetti out your face the way I fantasized...

It's messy and it will ruin your towels. Clean skin dirty towels some people would make that choice I guess.

You can not take group photos without feeling like an abhorrent 19th century blackface minstrel, which in turn makes you feel a little racist. This of course is more a flaw in our tragic world history than in Dr. Shills beauty products. 

Only one of us had a severe reaction that made red blotches all over the place for a solid 24 hours. Not sure how good those odds are?

Will I do it again? 

Probably, if I can find someone to do it with me, only this time I would just do my nose area, I would slather it on thick and prepare for a brief cry. For a day to day mask, I think clay or oatmeal are saner choices.

I have drawn the conclusion: That feeling hurt, dirty, disappointed and racist is not ideal for a face mask. I think it was an unfortunate amount of hype. However all holidays should include a homemade spa. It is a great way to be together. Next Thanksgiving I say pedicures.