Freezer Burnt Poor People Mish Mash Saag Aloo

It occurred to me that I should write a cookbook. Only instead of stuff you would want to cook, it is a cookbook of what not to do. This revelation was inspired tonight as I suffered thru not one , but two bowls of the most disgusting thing I have ever made.

"Why would you eat two bowls of something disgusting?" you may be asking yourself. And I will tell you this. There is a jar of Nutella in my cabinet that is actually singing my name. I literally hear it "nom nom nomming" from all the way in the kitchen. " ED HOSE STICK YOUR FINGER IN ME" it sings out....At least, I hope it's my Nutella singing? 

My plan was simple, get so filled up on this pigeon poop of a meal that it will silence the junk food in my cabinet. My plan has backfired. At some point I am going to need the Nutella for its amnesiac qualities which can be used medicinally to make me forget about my horrible dinner.

While I shoveled the soupy green slop from bowl to mouth, I thought of all the people in the world. Sitting in their lovely homes, with their lovely families unaware how combining the contents of their freezer can go wrong . What kind of monster would I be if I kept this recipe to myself? How will they ever know what NOT to make?

Let me preface, I lost my wallet a few days ago and cancelled everything. New replacement cards are on their way, but today I am penniless and have not shopped in a while. DO NOT FRET, you do not have to lose your wallet to make this abomination.  I just want you to know that today's goal was to go nowhere and spend nothing. 

My kids were pretty well set up, with just enough frozen chicken tenders and applesauce to make a meal.  But I wanted something grown up, spicy, flavorful I made some coconut rice this afternoon and it deserved an award. So tonight I thought I would make some sort of vegetable curry to go with it.

But I don't have any vegetables. My fresh spinach had degraded into syrup. I have an onion on its way out. I pull out the contents of my freezer, going deep. Who says there is no time travel? I reach 2015 with half a bag of weird pulverized spinach cubes and some ancient boiled potatoes.

Freezer Burnt Poor People Mish Mash Saag Aloo

Serves 6 ( or two depending on pants size ) 

half package weird pulverized spinach cubes

1 package elderly frozen potatoes

1 onion slippery from it's own decay

chopped garlic from a jar sealed shut from the passage of time

Old coagulated plain unsweetened yogurt (fact: there is no way to tell if plain yogurt has turned bad, because it always tastes like that )

garam masala

curry powder

coriander seeds

olive oil

Heat oil in pan. Throw in onion. Burn onion because oil is too hot. turn down temperature. debate throwing out, decide to call the onions "caramelized" and continue. Add some coriander seeds, some garam masala and some curry powder, make a paste with all the shit in the pan. add water.

Next, add pulverized spinach cubes and frozen ice crystal potatoes to pan, cover. Go do something.

30 minutes later add more water and some big chunky globs of old yogurt. Stir. Simmer until yogurt chunks disappear. Remove from heat.

Spoon over rice.

With each bite make face and tilt head curiously to the side like a dog hearing a strange noise.  Swallow. Shake head furiously like you just took a shot of Tequila. Wait a moment, repeat. Whatever you do, DO NOT LOOK DOWN,  Continue until full. Sneak back into kitchen. Quietly consume emergency jar of Nutella. 

I have drawn the conclusion: this meal, with proper fresh ingredients, unburnt onions, unhurried spices and new yogurt, may have been delicious. This is your warning on what not to do. 

For more HORRIBLE RECIPES TO NEVER MAKE: like my "famous for the wrong reasons cinnamon string beans" Click Here.