Talks With Pain

"Life is Short" The older we get, the more fluent that knowledge becomes. Did you know, "Life is Short" actually translates directly into "Buy Everything Now".  That is the persuasion that led me to purchase my dream bed. It arrived 6 months ago and has made all the other furniture turn sideways in the mirror and demand a facelift. It is soo fancy, sleek and sophisticated.

It is a Queen Bed, no it is THE Queen Bed, The Beyonce of Beds, allow me to describe.

 This bed is more supportive than all my bras worn at once. It is optimistic, maybe even manic in its ability to go all the way up. The back can become fully erect in an instant, which is flattering. The legs ascend to zero gravity and beyond. It makes for the perfect midnight painting in bed position. Some people might even use it for reading. The remote control is so sensitive one can adjust the increment of the incline by millimeters to arrive at the precise angle for ultimate slumber. 

But that's not all. This Bed LIGHTS UP. The frame projects a soft mesmerizing glow, like a spaceship hovering just above abductees. No more stumbles on the way to the bathroom, no more stubbed toes or consequent cursing, no more monsters under the bed. Even the dust bunnies look phenomenal in this lighting. But wait ... There's more. 

It massages. The bed massages!! Well, it shimmies, or wiggles, I guess its more like it idles like an untuned truck, but it still feels good. 

 A magic fingers vibrating light up bed at home, just pinch me and pass the crown, I feel like royalty. I have made it. The only thing left to quantify success is a fridge with the ice right in the door. 

This bed makes me instantly insufferable. "Oh sorry your bird died, did I tell you about my bed" 

"Congrats on the new job, newness is just like my bed" " How is the chicken curry, I see it comes on a bed of rice...how nice is that bed would you say?"

And do not even invite me to your home. "Hey great bed, whats it do? Oh, it just...sits there...just being flat and still, nah thats cool tho....cool"

And on and on. Not really caring who I alienate by bragging about my bed, because who needs people when your bed vibrates. 

My personal God ( Frank ) is not impressed by material things or gloating. My braggadocio makes him cringe. So what happened next is no surprise. I am not saying that God broke my bed. But, it broke...in the Up position.

If you know me at all, you know I have depression attached to my feet like a shadow I can't outrun even in the dark.  I have a plethora of obscure ailments, symptoms and disorders. I live a life with constant unyielding invisible pain. I compulsively binge eat the moment I am alone with anything resembling an emotion.  I have precisely enough energy to claw my way thru the day, anything extra is tucked into tomorrow. I'll brush my hair tomorrow, do the dishes tomorrow, taxes, laundry, picking up the runaway olives that now live on the kitchen floor. I do not have energy for any of it.

 

So you know, dealing with this broken bed, is not gonna happen. I'm empty, the battery is drained. I do not have the energy to fix it and so I just endure. I sleep like the letter U. Sitting straight up in broken luxury, feet in the air, night after night. At some point I will tip over and continue to sleep in the letter K position. I cycle thru F and C as well. 

I begin to rise from fitful nights with a twinge in my neck. Pass blame to the bed and the fact that I am now sleeping like FUCK. But I am not sure it is the only culprit. The day the twinge turned into a full tornado of unspeakable pain, was spent at the dentist. 

There is sort of mockery one feels from an old cracked pleather zero gravity adjustable dentist chair, for someone who just lost the reclining option of their broken bed. But I don't let it get me down. (too far down ) I breathe, I meditate. I meet anxiety but just give a nod. There was a time that I needed Xanax for every Dental appointment, or trip outside my home. I don't use Xanax anymore. You can read about that here.  Not even for foot long needles and heavy machinery in my mouth. I have made friends with Panic. Not besties, but we cohabitate the same body and I acknowledge all the hard work it does to keep me safe from the modern day sabre-toothed tigers. 

On this day, reclining backwards for the first time in weeks, Mouth agape for hours. A team of spelunkers navigate the deepest crevices of my mouth. Maybe I have reached the age where opening your mouth for too long causes the rest of the body to go haywire.

That night turns to agony.

I have an amazing friend, lightworker, healer that has been trying to help me heal. She believes the pain I am feeling is past trauma or sadness trapped in my body.  Using myofascial release techniques we have been working to unstick all that is stuck.  Maybe sadness or anger or shame keep me looping in these unhelpful patterns of binge eating and depression. I am soo open to letting it go. 

I like the way she talks.  I truly believe "The Body Keeps The Score" Did we stir something up? While she was working on me a few days prior to this pain crisis, I saw something on the screen of my inner universe. I don't know what you call it, maybe its just the back of my eyelids, but it seems more tunneled back in my head near the third eye. It is where visuals play out when I am meditating, or calm, or in the right place. It is where I meet my Internal family, see my ancestors and commune with the electric blue undulating rays of my angels.

 I am sure there is a name for that in a lost language. Maybe space theater, innerfilm or soul billboard. I have seen a lot of interesting things in space theater, it comes alive during hypnosis, or chakra tuning or yoga or when certain people brush by me .... space theater is like broadway its either totally hopping...or all dark. 

On this day I was breathing deep , mindful, allowing the full weight of my head to sink into her loving hands. I saw a milky white glow. I see lights often, they are usually bright to blinding, a clear light that I am learning to expand. I hope to someday be able to fill my whole body up with that light, let it bathe all the darkest parts of me until I can no longer contain the brightness and then out thru every pore of my being I can share that light. 

But this milky white, is something I have not seen before. Like sea glass or frosted windows. And suddenly at the bottom of the hazy billboard of my soul, a thick inky sludge started to seep in. It rose up as if gravity were not a thing, dripping slowly upwards. I breathed , curious, watching inside my mind as the thick tar got higher and higher, it is covering the white. It is almost halfway covered. It wants to come up. It wants to come out. 

 My heart is racing, "I am scared" I say and begin to cry. What is happening? I am afraid to let it come up too far, how does it "come out" what if I throw up, I push the tar down. We do this dance letting the black sludge fill my vision a little more and then pushing it down again. I know I am not going to let it out. I feel like a failure. Like I did when I couldn't push my own babies out and the doctor had to slice me open like lasagna and rescue them.  With that thought my angels come and play on the horizon line of shadow, they are telling me it is ok, they want me to let it out. Maybe it is just a scream, or a song. Maybe the darkness is nothing to be afraid of. 

So I don't know, Is this pain that? Is this intense invisible shiv, the inky blackness that I shoved back down? Is that the root that gets the blame for all this pain?

Or is it simply the weight of my own ballooning neck that has pinched a nerve. Maybe the camel hump has grown its very own wild nerve bundle, as my posture has evolved from upright to curled in on itself. Head hanging impossibly low searching my phone for some piece of peace that is not in there.

My body is in the golden ratio of a downward spiral.

Maybe like a resurrection fern I too can unfurl and relieve my own pain. As for the root cause of this suffering maybe only I am to blame.

The Pain in my shoulder has my whole attention. It is all consuming. It starts in my neck where surely a tree branch has entered my body and shoots down my shoulder blade. The shoulder itself has been bitten by a giant viper , its poisonous venom seeps into my being, green, blue, necrotic, the viper winds my whole arm and becomes a constrictor, throbbing pain, relieved only by stabbing pain. Hot knives, cold ice pics. My hand is a pin cushion, my fingers are numb. There is no position to be in. Unrelenting . Sometimes I stick the arm straight up in the air, hang it over my head, swing it around lean away from it in a door jamb. I tuck it behind me, I carry it like a baby. I can not sleep, there is no way to lay down. Just flat on my back tears rolling into my ears.

Unsleep-thru-able. Unaffected by chiropractors or cortisone. Un-reachable and un-mutable. Medicine provides only side effects. Tiger balm, Massage chairs, Dry Needling,  Deep Deep armpit manipulation. No relief... Even Ibuprofen is standing with its arms out looking around in there "yeah, we don't know what to do here, sorry Ma'am, have you tried ice or heat or shocking yourself with volts of electricity" Yes Ibuprofen, I have tried everything.... "ooh ooh," Yes 16th ibuprofen of the day what is it. " Have you tried lighting old witches candles and chanting the grunt songs of Neanderthals while simultaneously dripping the wax on the parts that hurt to drawl out the demons?" Of course I have. "Turmeric?" I have tried everything except .... taking the pain out for tacos and making friends with it.

SO...maybe that is what I should do.

Maybe I can befriend it. I have made friends with panic, I can surely make friends with pain. Get to know him a little, maybe he is not such a bad guy.

            So I started talking to my pain, the following is our first conversation

ME: HELLLP HOLY HELL SWEET FREAKING MOTHER EFFINGHAMS PALACE! DAMMIT MERCY..I CALL MERCY! MAKE IT STOP ! UNCLE! WHAT IN THE, WHY! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS, I BESEECH YOU!!

PAIN: Oh, Hi... jumping right into it. I am your Pain, we haven't formally met, but I am a long time fan...first time caller haha.  

ME: Sorry Hi..I was rude. Thank you for talking with me. You want me to call you Pain, is that your name?

PAIN: You can call me Pauly Shore if you want to. 

ME: Ok, yeah..... so Pain it is then,

PAIN: Thank you for finally listening.

I have been trying to reach you....about your car insurance ...lol just kidding. My Lovely, I have been trying to reach you for so long. I sent the seizing back pain, the violent pelvic pain, the mysterious unbroken feet. The Coffee burn pain, the joint pain, all of it...That was me! that was my work.

ME: Cool...cool...why? Why Are you trying to hurt me?

PAIN: To alert you of danger darling! Why do you keep turning off the alarm bells? I keep putting up barricades and you keep barreling thru them? Do you not see the dangers?

ME: I don't know, I guess I just want whats on the other side of the do not enter sign. Thats where all the good stuff is.

PAIN: But Baby girl its a crumbling cliff. With murder bees. Crossing the boundaries it is not survivable. I don't want to hurt you, I just want to keep you alive.

ME: I can't seem to help myself. I want what is over there more than I want to be alive sometimes. 

PAIN: Oh I know... I have seen you alone with pizza and junkfood. I am not sure what you are doing, honey..But I notice you will eat and eat and eat and eat, like you are starving. It's too much, I send a pain to get you to stop.

ME: I know, I hate that, but I have found if I just wait a bit, you will stop and I can eat more.

PAIN: At some point my love, the pain won't stop. That is what I am trying to tell you. I beg of you. Listen. You are steering this vessel, we can not stop your behavior, we can not stop you from putting things in your mouth or lying in bed all day or sitting around.  But you are not alone here. There are Billions of atoms in you, and they want to survive. You are their steward. Can you treat them better? Can you fuel them with good nutrients and move your body and drink clean water and feel the sunlight.

ME: I Know. I know what to do. I have done it a thousand times, I am so tired and I just want to feel good. Instantly the way binging makes me feel.

PAIN: Honey you are chasing a high that is not there. You keep telling yourself that it makes you feel good. But It hurts you, I know, I bring the hurt. I bring the distended belly and the emotional distress. I come running when you reach for more chips. Those chest pains are not just decoration. Your lethargy, you think it is comfort but it is hurting you. The more you sit, the more you hurt.

ME: I know. How do I stop?

PAIN: You know what to do Love. Everything you need is inside you. Listen to me. Listen to me, your pain. Heed the warning, fuel us with goodness. Every time you feel hurt, look to the natural world, drink tea, cook soup, walk, swim, create, give. Make friends with my Lover "Pleasure",  rejoice in things that feel truly good darling. There is so very much more in this world to delight, then there is to harm.

ME: I hear you Pain. I will listen to you. When you rise up, i will talk with you. Thank you for everything you do. I am sorry I have complained about you so much. I see you are trying to help me. I will shower this pain that you have sent me with all the goodness I can muster.

PAIN: Moving forward, maybe you will see me not just for how bad I make you feel, but for how we can work together. 

ME: Oooh Like bankrobbers!!! You be the lookout, tell me if anyone is coming...and I will grab the cash!

PAIN: Ha...more like a check engine light in your car... If you feel pain, then somethings wrong , that is me lighting up ....go get your oil changed or check your brakes sweetness.

ME: Of course. A car analogy...you are such a guy. 

PAIN: I identify as Pauly Shore. 

ME: You know, I was a little afraid to talk with you, afraid it would be just me talking to me. But I KNOW you aren't me because I have not thought about Pauly Shore in Thirty years.

PAIN: We are all listening to you. There are Billions of us inside and you can talk to any one of us. But more than that...Listen to us. Hear us.. We are trying to communicate with you.... Heart, Gut, Hair, Nails, Fear, Gratitude, Bladder, Breath, Anger, Joy, Hysteria...we all have  something to say. Just listen. Oh especially Skin... girl, skin has been screaming for you to listen...put on some sunscreen for fox sake.

                                            And This Was Our Second Conversation

ME: Pain?

PAIN: My Love?

ME: Do you not see that I am trying, I am trying so hard to be better and do better, I have had beautiful nutrient dense green smoothies every morning, colorful oatmeal bowls brimming with berries, I am drinking the water, bouncing on my trampoline...

PAIN: That's great. Good Job.

ME: Then why...when I heaved myself off the floor bed this morning and put my foot down, why did you send a lightening bolt up my right foot? I can't put my weight on it at all. 

PAIN: Oh Yeah About that...

ME: Yeah, PAIN, I can not walk, I can barely limp. I caught a glimpse of myself in the hall mirror, Holding my left arm, dragging the right foot behind me. I look like Quasimodo. It is not cute.

PAIN: Nothing is showing up that you didn't order. You are not a victim of me. Should we talk about the midnight pizza? 

ME: oh..you saw that?.....I Know.....It's....... I started the day great with a mango green smoothie, I worked all morning , even tho I didn't sleep but 2 hours the night before ( thanks for that by the way). I was super blessed to be invited to lunch where I chose curried chickpeas and rice, while being surrounded and secretly coveting a bacon burger on a bed of mac and cheese...then I got some text messages where yet another boy in my life kind of rejected me, or chose to not be near me, and for some reason that instantly made me want pizza. I wanted pizza so bad, from one particular place, delivered to my house so no one would see me. I wanted that particular cheese and that sauce and that slightly sweet crust and to be alone with it, because I don't need anyone at all when I have pizza. I am not sad or yearning, I am just filled with pizza and I feel complete. 

But I remembered our conversation, so I phoned a friend and said " I feel rejected and now I need pizza" and she said " You can find another way to deal with your hurt feelings" so I actually took my finger off the "order now" button and put my phone down. I wavered, envisioning the pizza. I cried because I hurt soo bad and I could see just how the bubbly cheese would make my arm feel better. But I didn't do it. I wrote in my journal and then I did some work. and the need dissipated. I had a banana protein shake for dinner because I wasn't even hungry for food.....but then. Well, something happened late in the evening and I felt rejected again. Not chosen...and I didn't have the energy to talk myself down again. And Listen...I am not saying I need someone. I know another person is not the answer,  and the things i really need to do are solitary anyway.  But sometimes....There is a loneliness. Its been 13 years of sometimes loneliness. I thought maybe there would be a love story. Like the hallmark channel insinuated.

So I had this 30 minute pity party after 1,410 minutes of a power and self care. And you decide to split residence between my left shoulder and my right foot. 

PAIN: Honey...I don't live in your shoulder or your foot.

ED: Are you kidding? Did you Not See my Tree branch thru the arm stabby dagger viper needle pic? You are bringing me to my knees with your throbbing presence, that is where I feel you, what do you mean you don't live there? Are you squatting? Is this a vacation for you?

PAIN: What do you think is happening here? You think I am punishing you? I don't live where you feel me. I work virtually from your brain. Just over here sending signals...in response to messages....that I get... because of the things that YOU DO....Man, I feel so misunderstood,  now I want a damn pizza.

ED: Right... it could be here in 40 minutes!

PAIN: NO ED. sigh....

                                                     I have drawn the conclusion:

 It doesn't really matter what pain and I said to each other, I am a little embarrassed that it wasn't more profound. Its awkward to talk out loud to an amorphous entity.  But I think it is important. I think building a relationship with him, where we communicate and I begin to listen...could help. It worked for me and panic....I haven't called an ambulance for a fake heart attack or imaginary poisoning in years. Panic and I understand each other.

I have been tuning into the horror of my complaints and tuning out what it really means.  I have been begging for relief without acknowledging what its showing me. And I have been unwilling to make the changes so that pain won't need to crash the party. I hear so loudly that I can not keep going in this direction. And at the same time, it is really hard to go in a different direction, this path has already been paved and well tread. 

My experience with Pain the past few years has been awful Awful. 

But, after talking with him, I am so thankful for Pain waking me up to myself again and again.

Maybe we can forge a new path together. He can navigate and I will wield the machete. Watch Out World big limping girl with pigtails and the anthropomorphic embodiment of pain coming your way! 

 

Answers to Anticipated Questions for the two people and my mom who will read this whole missive .

What happened to the bed?

The company gave me three choices, exchange the bed, return the bed, or fix the bed. I asked which was fastest and explained the burning knife in my shoulder and how I am now sleeping on the floor and kinda cranky about it all. They said all options would take three weeks. 

So I am returning the bed for a refund. 

Why so many nipples?

Representation matters.

What is Dry Needling? 

The Physical Therapist takes some needles and inserts them in your muscles and then stabs real quickly over and over like an out of control sewing machine. I guess hitting nerves and trying to make them un hurt. You know I didn't really ask too many questions. Did it help? No 

Has Making Friends With Pain Helped To Relieve Any Pain?

No.

Well, maybe...the pain is still there flowing between an incredibly uncomfortable 7 to completely unbearable 11 But I feel less alone with it. And a modicum of hope.

Aren't You Embarrassed To Show Everyone How Self Obsessed You Are, You Do Know There Are More Important Things In The World Than Your Pain Right.

Yes, Omg soo embarrassed. But I also feel like it is part of my purpose in the world to be transparent and communicative about my struggles.  Because I can be.  So many other people can not be. So many other people need to put on a brave face for their jobs or families. There is real consequence to sharing this sort of stuff. People lose their jobs, are maybe seen as weak or less trustworthy. They suffer alone in silence. I want to share my pain, for the people who are also in pain....(also known as every single being I have ever met)  Because I am less afraid of the consequences than I am of not fulfilling my purpose.

You can not normalize the conversation of mental health unless you actually talk about mental health. Not everyone can. But I can, and I feel like I am supposed to. Please for the love of all things sacred, do not read this if it makes you uncomfortable.

What is your favorite sentence you have written today?

Please for the love of all things sacred, do not read it if it makes you uncomfortable.

hahahah thats impossibly hilarious!