Think Of An Apple

It is pretty obvious that we all interpret things differently, we all hear the same person speak the same words and some people hear absolute truth and sanity, and the rest of us hear something mortifying and insane, we can't comprehend how the other person could see it so different. 

I think about that a lot. How every last one of us thinks we are right.  It is more than different opinions or different morals, I think many of us have the similar beliefs about peace and love and family and meaning, and yet we are so polarized. 

I thought maybe it is a matter of perspective, if you view something at one angle it can appear totally different at another, and then I think maybe its a matter of filter, how we all filter words thru the lense of our own experience.  But maybe it is all an issue of processing. No better and no worse, maybe we all just see things differently, and hear things differently ....We already know for sure that we taste things differently , enter cilantro.  And probably hear things differently, hello Hardcore Metal bands. 

I don't know if this meme is true? I can't imagine this is what people think when someone says to visualize an apple. I don't know if number 5 is a parody?  I have heard of people who can actually think of nothing . The ones who when you ask them " What are you thinking?" and they respond with " Nothing" But I always had a hunch that it is code for " Omg please stop talking" similar to whenever someone says " you should write a book" I think they are really saying " yea I have heard enough for everybody"  Sometimes I will push "what do you mean by nothing? have you reached Nirvana? Have you been meditating in secret for our whole relationship, I don't understand?"   Maybe John Green is a monk?

But if this is the way we chart our visuals  I feel left out of this chart.  Seriously who just sees one apple? Even if you said, picture just one apple...I would need to see all the apples first in order to pick just one....I know I am not alone,  I imagine a lot of other people feel left out too. Because representation matters I thought I would add what I see when someone says to Visualize an apple.

If someone were to say "visualize an apple", I see a swirling tornado of every apple I have ever eaten. Not just the ones I have eaten, but the ones I have thought about, feared, and longed for. I see the caramel apples at the fair, I also see the lights and hear laughter and music, I see the candied apples that I don't know how to eat but they look so beautiful as they rip your teeth out. I see the bloodied apple of my sons loose tooth that finally, on a bold chomp freed itself from his gums, I see the apple but I don't see which kid, and I then think I am a terrible mom for not even knowing which kid of mine lost his tooth in an apple, but I am reeled back in thinking of cut green apples dipped in honey that got my kids to eat something other than a chicken nugget and I feel like a good mom again. Seeing apples and honey provides a layered montage of all the apples and honey plates consumed in a lifetime of Rosh Hashanahs. And then I see peanut butter, and cheese on crisp apples eaten creekside on a back country ski, the apples at the bottom of my bag that rescued me over an over again from bad decisions. I see the apple at the bottom of my bag that I forgot about. I smell that forgotten apple and all the rotten apples I have come across. The furry apple covered in mold lost under the seat of my car . Because I see that furry apple I see a girl at the club, dropping it low in her apple bottom jeans with the fur. I see the protrusion of an adams apple and then of course I see Adam and eve and their apple, and I see atoms swirling around Adam then I see a pomegranate, because that is more likely the biblical apple and next to the pomegranate I see all of its seeds or fleshy bits and how hard they are to access and what a great reward they are like little jewels, so they sparkle and next to them the womanly shape of the Pom Juice bottle in the supermarket and the sense of fertility and family that comes with the fruit, I see the pomegranates that I have gifted for housewarmings and I see all the symbolism of a pomegranate flashing before me, the jewishness, the sacred geometry suddenly a merkabah appears. Merkabah shows up everyday somehow so it doesn't surprise me . A hebrew word for chariot or cart and maybe it explains why I see a donkey pulling a cart of apples, the apples spill everywhere and I see a hand reach out and feed the donkey an apple. I see all the apples I have ever fed a horse or donkey, I feel their horse lips in the palm of my hand. The apples makes me see a horse the horse makes me see feeding it an apple.

    At the same time I see a still life of apple cores, varying degrees of rot. I see their seeds, I know they have cyanide in them. I see the dead body of Socrates. I think in that same moment it was hemlock not cyanide that killed Socrates but it doesn't matter, I see his little callused feet surrounded by fallen decaying apples. all of the scary apples appear. The razor blade apples, that we were warned about as kids, a halloween tale, but I see the xray machines, where you could bring your candy to xray for razor blades, What kind of person sticks razorblades in kids candy, what in the world?  

I see the apple pies and apple pi. and the apple logo, and when I see the apple logo, I see the apple computer halloween costume I made for my 11th halloween out of a big cardboard box, but I also see the design schematics I had for that costume, inside I had little pockets for snacks and a flashlight. I recognize suddenly that the need to hide snacks in a secret compartment in my halloween costume while trick or treating was maybe a red flag for the upcoming onslaught of disordered eating. 

I see the military apples, the last apple I ate on the day of my weigh in for the navy. I see all the flesh I left on that apple, so afraid to eat too much, and I see the number on the scale flash 136 the max weight for my height, I had lost 50 pounds and just made it in, just barely, but I did it and oh how I wanted the rest of that apple, I can still see it.

  I also see all the apple heads I made the summer I went to this weird history camp. or maybe They were for puppetry class? I see my little self with a pairing knife, intently carving lines and wrinkles, a toothless grin , deep holes for eyes,, then leaving the heads to dry out and shrivel in the sun like shrunken head talismans,  We also learned to make air dried apple rings and I see them hanging from the corner of an old log cabin. I see the word apple fly past, block letters, cursive, handwritten, I see manzana I don't know spanish but I must know apple somehow because I see it and at that moment I must wonder how to say apple in french, or maybe its because It sounds familiar I see the words Je m'apple and I hear " my name is" this plays like a little track, "Je m'apple, my name is" over the carnival music from the candied apples, its a little rap, eminem style, Je m'appel, my name is. And then I see a lapel, with an apple lapel pin, because my brain can be an a hole , an apple hole, an A is for apple hole. 

   Obviously I see Johnny Appleseed in overalls spreading seeds throughout the lands, but I also see my little self on the elementary school stage singing Johnny appleseed songs, for a play about Johnny Appleseed. I am wearing a bonnet. And Because of this I also see the muffin man. The muffin man has nothing to do with apples, but It was sung on that same stage .  I see my pregnant self patting my belly wondering if Charlie Applesauce is a good name for my baby.

  Because I see Johnny appleseed and all of his orchards and apple trees, I see George Washington and his cherry tree. I see George Washington by seeing his wooden teeth, which turned out to be the teeth of donkeys and slaves. The teeth of slaves, its so terrible I want to jump off the planet. We are the worst. We have a darkness so putrid,  enslaving people, mutilating, attacking , poisoning , fighting beheading I see all the suffering. I feel the suffering and I am sinking  under it. 

An Apple hits me in the head, snaps me back to visualizing an Apple, I think positive Apple positive Apple which leads me to a pear layered on top of an Apple , I see pears hanging on a tree, I see an orchard that puts tiny molds around the growing fruit to force it into the shape of a buddah. 

   I see taste and want an apple martini and a sour apple blow pop. I see tart and sour apples that I took one bite out of and threw away. Why is sour apple flavor so delicious and sour apples themselves so horrible. I see new york The ultimate big Apple , I hear the honks and the yells mixed in with carnival music, 

Je m'apple Honk, My name is, Honk honkkkk my name is.

And I see a caterpillar  inching its way, poking its head out of an apple hole. Eric Carle gave a real inflated expectation that w

Caterpillars are just living in there. 

I think to myself that we get weary with age because each year we are introduced to more and more apples, more stories about the viability of a planet without bees. I see an orchard that hand pollenates everything because all the bees are gone.  We see too much now, we know too much, our ancestors didn't even know the variety of apples that existed outside of where they live, They didn't need to think of Gwyneth Paltrows child Apple when they visualized an apple. Or see the Apple bong from the stoners in highschool discarded in the woods. They didn’t know about Apple computers and Steve Jobs and the McIntosh . One could argue that 100 years ago, visualizing an apple would have been a lot simpler. just the standard apple experiences, wholesome apples in paper sacks with a lunchtime sandwich , an occasional popover tart.  Like any storm that picks up speed thinking about and visualizing an apple can leave a mark. 

Here internet I fixed your visualization meme. I would love to know if you are a 0 like me, and if so, how you doin? Are you real tired?

I have drawn the conclusion:  People who see everything  flying around at full speed in the minds eye, are probably not ok. I think we have run our batteries out and have been swept up in the swirling chaos of our thoughts. Too  much fodder in the tornado, too easy to get hit with flying debris.  Thinking about an apple has plum* wore me out. I need a nap.   

I almost forgot my point, of course we can’t understand each other. If you see black and white  “Leave it to Beaver” apples or a calm minimalist outline of an apple and I see all the history of humanities sad apples , we aren’t talking about the same thing. * sees matt Damon slam the phone number against the glass. “How do you like them apples” anyway, it helps to know we see something different to have grace for why we don’t respond the same. 

* oh great... thinking about plums now, seeing sugarplum fairies dance in my head, oh shit, I see a toilet i see a plumber , I see Eve Plum, I see the whole Brady bunch in their personal squares. I see a huge library in a mansion and silver candlesticks and a revolver, I see Professor Plum. whatever it was, he did it.

** hours later, days later  , us zero style thinkers are still gathering apples in our baskets on the arms of our visual apple Hurricane. We need to collect them all in case someone says  “visualize an Apple” again, and Fruit of the Loom underwear apple waves to me. It never ends.