The Universe and The Dead End

 I got lost in the North Carolina foothills today. Just for an hour, but getting lost with GPS on is really an accomplishment. 

If you have followed my journey you know that driving is not easy for me. During the peak of my panic era, the years I spent imprisoned with agoraphobia and fear, I could barely drive a few blocks.  I had eliminated all bridges and any roads unfamiliar, from my driving repertoire. Even a road too long , that I couldn’t see the end of would make me feel like my throat was closing.  I was plagued by what if’s and oh nos!! 

    I wish I had a charming success story on how I overcame anxiety. But I am not sure if I have, If you count success by how many full blown panic attacks a person has, Than I am a winner at three years since my last episode….the truth is , since depression set in , I don’t seem to make much adrenaline, I saw a man with an ax standing in my yard the other day and didn’t even flinch!  Even if it’s just the chemistry of depression that stopped the panic I’ll take the win. If  points are deducted for how many anxious thoughts I still have than I fail the test entirely. But! If you get points back for overcoming those thoughts than I am up on top again. 

For me pushing aside my anxiety and heading north for my Aunt and Uncles 50th wedding was a big deal, and the only way I could do it from beneath the giant weight of depression, was unshowered in dirty clothes , with a suitcase full of dirty clothes and no plan. I didn’t even decide to go until 30 minutes before I left. 

I simply do not have the bandwidth to do laundry and quell my thoughts in the same day. So I set out  on my journey. What a gift, who doesn’t love a surprise smelly visitor! 

I didn’t tell anyone I was going so an hour out I called my cousin who said everyone was on their way to dinner in the city. The reservation was for 5:30 and my quick reroute got me there at 5:28 . Talk about Beshert it all felt meant  to be. And it turned out to be wonderful. It was a magical night.  I can tell you my family has the best laugh, all together, it’s the sweetest sound I know. We laugh thru pain and illness and distance and time. I love to hear them. The next day I enjoyed sitting and listening as they played board games I never heard of , I made this quick gesture drawing that looks nothing like anybody, and really has me questioning if went to art school, it’s kinda terrible, But it will always remind me of the hours spent together around the table. And how glad I was to be there. 

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It had been a decade since I was with all three of my cousins at the same time and I didn’t want to miss it.

The whole drive up I kept telling myself “ if you want to be the kind of person who shows up for family, then you have to do the kinds of things the person you want to be would do. “ I really like when my behavior matches my vision for myself:. 

I spent two full days without binging and I needed that. I was forgetting what a portion was, and how to eat. being around family filled me up so much I didn’t feel the urge to binge. 

So this morning after a wonderful weekend I felt really capable and calm about the drive home. I drank my green drink because the person I want to be puts wonderful nutrients in her body and I set out for home.

But as I was driving I started thinking about binging. I felt that if I went home, I would slip right back into my depressive behaviors of binge eating, and lethargy. I need a few more sugar free binge free days under my belt. So I made a right turn instead of a left and headed to see more family near Asheville NC.

On the way the GPS informed me that the 6 hour trip would take 8 because of construction.. how badly did I want this. Pretty badly, I kept going. Eventually a shorter route was found and I followed the GPS diligently down windy back roads. I found a farm stand on the side of the road and loaded up on fruits and vegetables. I decided to trust the universe, and trust myself. 

I trusted that the universe would show me what it wants me to see, and get me where I wanted to go. I trusted myself to make choices that serve me and bring me closer to better. Water, sun, and intentional listening. I listened to people who are smarter than I am, who know how to live a healthy life. Today it was Paul Checks podcast Living life in 4D.   And I listened to the universe, Which comes thru to me as the voice of  God ( I call him Frank) and my spirit guides and animal totems and the 14 blue undulating angels that live behind my third eye and  all  the patterns of nature, the road signs, GPS, and my gut instinct.  I listened to it all. 

5 hours from my destination I am directed down a curvy road “take a left and then, in a quarter mile take a right” the GPS instructs. I go a quarter mile , there is no right to make, I pass a dirt road cutback, surely that’s not the way. I keep driving and redirected in a four mile loop back to the dirt road. Nope. Nope I’m not going down that dirt road. It’s littered with stuff that looks like a dumping ground. It looks like private property, it looks like a place people dump bodies and evidence and old computers. I see tinsel from an old Xmas tree I keep driving, GPS insists this is the road to turn down… I say I hear you universe but no it doesn’t feel right. So I keep driving, this time GPS reroutes me in a 20 mile loop. I can’t believe it as I come back upon the same turn off road. Two huge ravens circle above. OK Universe I trust you. 

As I turn down the dirt road, those old familiar twangs of panic start to tighten my throat. What if you have a heart attack, what if you suddenly have anaphylaxis , what if that lone hiker guy you passed a while ago disappeared into these woods and is waiting with a gun pointed at you, what if a band of thieves is set to attack, what if you come across something you aren’t supposed to see.  I push the thoughts out. I look at the beauty , I think a mile is a really long time down a dirt road. I come to a big puddle, what if I get stuck in the mud, what if I try to push myself out and get run over by my own car a million miles from anything. I start to feel alone and angry at my aloneness and then I stop. The dirt road has taken me one mile to a secured gate in front of a rickety bridge. And I just had to laugh. 

I laughed out load as I backed up and came to a fork in the road with two identical looking dirt roads ! OMG its a dirt road labyrinth! My worst nightmare, what if I never find my way out.  I try to feel which road I came from. 

“Why “ I ask “Why would you let me trust you, and why would you take me down a dirt road that’s a dead end? And the universe spoke back to me. 

“Because we wanted to show you it’s ok. It’s ok to get lost. It’s not something to be afraid of , you can get lost over and over and still find your way back .  Trust yourself to find your way. trust the timing, you don’t need to begrudge a single thing. Will you get to your destination tonight or tomorrow, can you go with the flow and find peace in each moment. You can. You don’t have to be upset at a wrong turn or perceived inconvenience, you have everything you need within you to adjust to any obstacle. And you have the ability to see that every moment has a gift.  Look at this beautiful path. See the forest in all its mesmerizing nonjudgmental expression of decay and growth. It is all ok . We just wanted to show you that. . “ the universe said to me.

I have drawn the conclusion: That I may not know where I’m going, or what roads I’m going down. I may not be in the vehicle I want and by that I mean Body… but I have come a long way.  A few years ago I would have gripped the steering wheel in fear, i would be crying , an ambulance might have gotten involved, the trip would have been agony for me, and today I can find the peace and love and freedom that driving can bring.  It has been a long road from where I was to where I am today.