Unfortunately its is not a joke, it is all true because, seemingly I don't learn lessons. Like the lesson, KEEP YOUR CAR CLEAN AND DON'T LEAVE HALF EATEN PROTEIN BARS IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT. I bet 35% of the people reading this have been suckered into helping me clean my car of critters thinking, surely she will learn the lesson this time. Well Nope. If I didn't learn it the LAST TIME, When I was attacked by a thousand baby spiders. And crashed my car, and had to go to court!.....I don't know what will teach me.
I was thinking of Pema Chodrans philosophy that “ Nothing ever goes away until it teaches you what you need to learn.” It led me down the path of thinking about and then listing all the things I need to learn, How to eat, how to sleep, How to breathe, how to clean the fridge of dead food, How to maintain a body weight, How to mop, how to do what I say and say what I mean, How to launder, shower, dress.
Did I ever grow up? Didn't I go to kid school with all the little people, why am I almost 50 and I haven't learned ANY of the things I learned. Nothing sticked, nothing stuck, sticked? I remember being taught grammar I know there is a difference between affect and effect, I just never learned what it was. Cute right, like a kid who can't say pasghetti!
I have a voice in my head that I didn't know was there.“well ED you don’t learn, you never learn "
And the voice takes a turn, reminding me loudly of how far gone I have become, how pathetic , just take responsibility! Stop talking about junk food, and your giant belly, it is not cute, stop playing this broken record, no one wants to hear, just shut up , disappear, "
That voice says things that we don't utter, things I know are not True... and yet , here I am with the same issues, how false can it be?
PART 2 : THE B WORD
I am soo mean to myself. I thought I had 99 problems, But I only have one. That Bitch. The Mean Voice In my head.
That voice that thinks this is the way to force me to be well. The part that tells me how disgusting I am has doubled down, That part has become louder every day and the heavier I get the more she screams “fat pig fat pig, you useless shit” as if she could shame me into taking care of myself. It doesn’t work, It doesn’t matter how mean that voice is you can not degrade someone into wellness.
I come from a truly loving and supportive family, I don't recall a single time I was put down or humiliated for my shortcomings. But I have seen it, I had a beautiful friend growing up whose mother filled every moment putting down her weight, restricting her daughters food and mocking her larger body. I would look on with horror. I knew that mother loved her child, she really believed that her desperate bribes and ridicule would translate into her daughters weight loss. She couldn't see how unhelpful it was. Her love for her daughter and desire to protect her, was so intense it turned vile. That has stuck with me for decades.
My own cruel inner voice is like that too, infuriated by failure , she wants me to be healthy , she wants me to be thin and thrive and she is in a mad frenzy to get me there. She compares me to every human . Pointing out other peoples successes and gifts and looking down her long nose at me ”why can’t you be more like a person who doesn’t have ancient dog poop in the corner of the room, why can’t you be better so that I don’t have to be so hard on you.”
I know the voice is a lie. I know comparison to others in the only ingredient in the recipe for misery. And yet.... she continues on.
I have found a way to quiet that B-word of a voice, I have found that if I lean into being the person I want to be. Instead of fighting soo hard to NOT be the person I don’t want to be, I can find some light. For instance I feel much more capable of eating fresh fruit or making a nourishing tea than I do , Trying not to binge. If I try not to binge the urge becomes greater , that Voice becomes louder and I can only white knuckle thru so many minutes before I give in and Doordash enough Dairy Queen for the army of sadnesses that have shown up for my pity party.
I want to be a person who throws tea parties not pity parties. Tea parties for all the parts of me that brave the world, that look with awe at dew drops. the parts that thank the sun, talk to birds, track the moon with tiny stones on the windowsill, I want to cut up fruit for my inner monkey baby. I want to take the part of me that wants to be alone in the dark with pizza ...swimming at the foot of waterfalls.
The moments of clarity I have had lately come from that shift of thought . Be who I want to be, What does the home of the person I want to be look like, what does she eat , wear and say, do that stuff . Pivot away from anything that isn’t her.
The other way I quiet that voice has been Journeying. Going inside my mind on journeys with the use of plant medicine or guided meditation, hypnosis, Ketamine, Esketamine or simply talk therapy. The wisdom inside is so astounding that I don't even feel obnoxious saying that. Because I know it is true for all of us, the answers are inside
I wish I could take a video inside my mind and show you what I see, it’s so beautiful and I learn so much. But I often forget it the moment I open my eyes. So I started drawing in the dark with my eyes closed to see if I could capture a little bit of the magic. I feel like I’m sneaking a secret camera into a forbidden land.
When I draw in the dark with my eyes closed, I feel like I am recording masterpieces on paper. I carefully trace what I see in my minds eye, cloud wolf packs soaring over ancient landscapes, sacred geometry , cities carved in rock decaying and then rebuilding. Sometimes I am shown symbols I have never seen, a new language, a new concept. I am so tickled by the reveal. I can't wait to turn on the light and see a tangle of scribbles. It is hilarious to feel like Michelangelo, and then see my drawings. Untrained elephants have made greater art. One friend described my journey art as "pubic hair on a bathroom floor"
Part 3 : DOG PRINCE
A few weeks ago I had an Esketamine session at the hospital. I have mixed feelings about the drug. I don't want to be on any drugs. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't think it is working. I am not well. However! I am also not dead, so maybe it has worked a little.
I closed my eyes , and as I do before every journey, I asked the medicine to show me what I need to know. I asked specifically “ please show me how to be well and to stop binge eating, show me how to care for and about myself. "
At that moment a large dog prince appeared before me. he was sitting on a purple mat wearing a silk kimono with cherry blossoms and waves and clouds. he had a milky blue mala around his neck and the orange flowers from a Hindu or Tibetan celebration . He also had a big gold chain like Flavor Flav but with an all seeing eye. His throne was a gong and the back of the gong was suspended in the air spinning so perfectly it appeared still. He was holding a giant Bell. I recognized this being immediately as My friend Reginald Hubbard.
I met Reginald just one time. He was passing thru town for a quick visit with friends and I was lucky to be able to share a meal with them. Later we all sat around a camp fire and he filled the night air with songs from a singing bowl. The sound resonated up to the moon . This is the proper way to end an eventing.
He is a sound healer , among many other things, an activist, and a yogi.... with a long and interesting resume of putting action behind ideas. I don’t know him beyond that. It was a year or more since his visit, and yet I knew instantly it was him in my vision.
I saw a montage of him playing crystal bowls. But that’s not the scene I drew. I drew the moment he rang his bell, and the vibration of color it sent thru the air, creating a pulsating pattern maybe aum? A mandala that rippled outward over and over as the bell rang, the sound kept going long after the chime died down.
And then another dog showed up, A shadow dog, I couldn't see him, but I could hear as he whispered behind me.. That dog spoke as Reginald rang the bell, he explained that every sound changed the world. The vibrations of sound ripple across the universe. The energy we can't see carries messages and patterns and informs the whole of existence.
And Reginald the dog prince was showing me that the words I speak have the same reach in the universe , They create a similar vibration and the intent or energy behind them makes them vibrate in a certain way and that the outside universe needs a high vibration to be balanced , the inner universe and all the cells in your body crave a positive word thought or intention. The frequency of all things matter.
We hear so much about importance of positive thinking . I could clearly see how far the ripple went as the bell was being rung to bring peace to all. I could also see how sharp and different the negative words rippled.
I had the distinct sense that Reginald the dog prince was telling me those self hating words don’t just harm me , they harm him and the world entire. He is ringing the bell so vigorously for peace , “ please don’t make it harder for us all. " But he said that by saying " join this vibration of positive energy ”
"Join this vibration of peace" he said. In the dark I drew this, I tried to peek so I could get down enough of the image because I felt like what he spoke was soo important!! I don't want to forget. He was suggesting that my thoughts ring out and effect everyone! or affect them? effect? I have room to learn this. Positive thinking is an art and a practice. It takes practice, especially if you are out of practice. I am so struck by the power of this that I
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