Sumo

 One of the parts of myself that I talk to a lot is named sumo. They are one of my most active parts and they represent my eating disorder. Sumo looks like a sumo wrestler and wears the traditional top knot  and mawashi , they are however nonbinary and though we haven’t discussed it probably intersex. 

   Why I have a hermaphrodite sumo wrestler that lives in my head and represents my eating disorder, I have no idea, but I will tell you they are one of my favorite and least complicated parts.

And when I take the time to listen to them , I am astonished by their sweet wisdom and joyfulness. 

 

 Sumo is best friends with Bumble my obesity. They hang out alot and have a secret language. Both are fiercely protective of me. And they have done a phenomenal job of protecting me from the world. Sumo protects me from any uncomfortable feelings,seriously , I can walk in my home and feel a deep shiver of loneliness and dread, and then like a freaking carnival parade celebration I remember “ooh I have cookies in the cabinet!!” I dance my way over and cuddle in with comfort foods and feel absolutely nothing but satisfied.  And Bumble protects me from like every other thing, relationships, sexuality, intimacy, she recently stopped showering in attempts to keep everyone at bay. And it works, she has not allowed a single shard of devastation to penetrate my heart in years. 

    The problem is as wonderful as they are at keeping me safe , they are killing me. I know it, all my parts know it. Everyone catching a glimpse  knows it, but the bigger the fat rolls the farther away everyone becomes like my body is an ever inflating raft pushing farther out to sea. 

    So while I am waiting excruciatingly long for my insurance to approve a different depression treatment called TMS .. in absolute desperation i  began another round of ketamine treatment. I had some degree of success with this in the past,  I am hoping to blanket my brain with a fresh snowfall so I can carve new neural pathways, maybe change the way I think in a more substantial way.

 All my many attempts at lifting depression have allowed lovely glimmers of hope, brief windows of clarity and then the shutters slam shut and I can’t see a thing. 

   I have started with very very low doses and it hasn’t done much yet but I wanted to share this little moment of connectivity that I think is so cute. 

A few days ago I was with my safe person Amie, and I went on a ketamine journey. The intention I set was something like “please show me how to want to take care of myself” so I closed my eyes and the first thing I saw was sumo holding face balloons, I scribbled it quickly to dive into that gorgeous symbolism later. It  had been months and months since I checked in with my parts. A practice I had once done  pretty regularly that strangely coincided with moments I felt better? Hmmm. 

   Anyway I turn the page and continue my session. When it’s over Amie tries to get me to eat something nourishing. It’s late in the day and I can not eat before a session so she wants to feed me and I feel very loved but also absolutely revolted. Every food sounds disgusting to me. “How bout a nice salad?” She’s asks ” Blech blahhh the crunchiness noo” “an egg sandwich ?” “Omg baby chicken face no way!” “Little cucumbers, you love little cucumbers,!” Friends I do! I do love little cucumbers , but on this day little cucumbers make me want to slam my head in the door , nothing sounds edible, this will be a great diet!! I’m gonna be so svelt! 

    Amie goes on to  list everything in her whole kitchen and pantry and when she says “orange” my body reacts fully! All my cells scream yes, and I scream “yes” not just tolerable but “yes,yes. Yes! I need an orange right now! “ 

   So she hands me an orange and it has a sticker, and apparently this is a brand but I hadn’t noticed … the orange is called Sumo.

   I love a connection. We can find connections between all things if we look hard enough. Just today I realized that the alchemist symbol for gold is the same as the gnostic and Freemason symbols for god and the Egyptian symbol for sun well those are commonly known connections, but my discovery today is that you can easily spell out the word god with two goldfish jumping in the sun. lol. Not everything needs to be profound or useful ok.

Connections are everywhere. 

But an orange called forth by one’s own eating disorder… I mean that’s something special am I right. 

I have drawn the conclusion, that when life sticks a label on something for you, it sure does ease the doubt and calm the spirit when we listen. Everything is talking to us.